Losing him has been the most devastating experience of my life. I expect it to be the most devastating in my next X amount of years. When I’ll see him again, i want to be able to tell him how profoundly his loss affected me – in the negative and obvious ways, but in the ways that have made me a better person; in the ways that I hope to help other people; in the ways that I hope I am able to bring some of his gentle, impish spirit into all that I do while I remain here.
Grief is a delicate dance. It is two steps forward, two steps back, and then sometimes a huge dip. The process of letting go is healing, yet it requires something difficult when love is involved. It is easy to be surrounded by and utterly immersed in the pain of loss. The fullness keeps the loss very present. The hard part is letting go of some of the weight and still feeling connected. I have not yet mastered that, and I don’t know if I ever want to. All I know is that in the next X amount of years, the time I need to wait until I see him again, will go by much more quickly if I can somehow find a way to get back into life. To find joy. To stay vital and to stay in love with possibilities.
Positive attitudes are underrated. Without one, I would still be in bed right now. Some days it comes easier than others, but I am determined. The hardest part in the process was ‘letting go’ of the grief so I could be fully available to those around me.
Courage. It stems from the French word ‘coeur’ which means heart. Leave it to the French to uncover the secret that deep within our hearts we will find the willpower and tenacity to face and embrace life’s hardships. Rollo May said “Just as one’s heart helps our body to function, pumping blood to our physical organs, courage makes possible all the virtues of human kind. Without courage, we have no real and authentic life.”
It is as essential as water is to a fish. Many think of the word ‘courage’ only defined by the dictionary as “perseverance, moral and mental strength, facing fear and failure or overcoming difficulty and obstacles” and see it solely as a solitary journey. We believe the journey of courage is best walked with friends.
It is so hard to let go is what I used to think. it is not hard to let go. It is more difficult to hold on. What is hard is continuing to have the strength to hold on. In that moment, I realized I had to change my definition of courage. Backward, I had it all backward. Holding on to everything at all costs was that I had defined as strength. Yet I realized that letting go was the truly courageous act.
There is always a choice. I want everyone to remember that there is always a choice, and it resides within us to choose.
What successful men call wisdom, women too often label as mistakes.
Smart people learn as much, if not more, from mistakes as they do from successes. In our own lives, success has often been the artful management of our mistakes. After all, everyone’s lives are filled with mistakes. Perhaps we ought to start talking about them, bringing them out of their hidden spaces and shining light on the oops.
Scientists willingly share information about their mistakes so other scientists can avoid making the same ones. Science is based on trial and error. Over time, we have to learn to adopt this “scientific approach” to mistakes. Instead of dreading them, hiding them or being embarrassed by them, we need to understand that mistakes are doorways to discovery.
Remember that when life leaves you alone on the tarmac – whether it be the devasting loss of a loved one, the shattering of a lifelong dream, the loss of a job, or events that turn the world upside down – anyone can always learn to walk again. I am living proof that anyone can reinvent and rebuild their lives, no matter what hardships you’ve faced.
I used to believe that I could control and manage everything that life threw my way. I’ve learned now that control is an illusion and that patience is the virtue is one I should possess. But the things we have control over in life often have a sneaky way of showing us our lack of control. For, in just one moment, entire lives can change forever. Yet I am proof that those changes – the defining moments – hold the opportunities to live a life filled with purpose.
I live what I deem to be an adventurous, challenging life, one that proves that even in the darkest of circumstances, when life is not what you ordered, you can learn to begin again.
In our case, it was knowing what to give up for each other and knowing what to hold on to for ourselves.
When we are headed toward an outcome that’s too horrible to face, that’s when we start looking for a second opinion.
And sometimes, the answers we get confirms our worst fears.
But sometimes, it can shed new light on the problem, make you see it in a whole new way.
After all the opinions have been heard, and every point of view has been considered, you finally find what you were after…
But the truth is and where it ends, that’s just where you begin again…with a whole new set of questions.
– Grey’s Anatomy
i don’t know what i was thinking. i wasn’t thinking. when i was with him, i was insecure, because all he did was play games to make me feel like that.
i’ll move on. most likely sooner than later.