Losing him has been the most devastating experience of my life. I expect it to be the most devastating in my next X amount of years. When I’ll see him again, i want to be able to tell him how profoundly his loss affected me – in the negative and obvious ways, but in the ways that have made me a better person; in the ways that I hope to help other people; in the ways that I hope I am able to bring some of his gentle, impish spirit into all that I do while I remain here.
Grief is a delicate dance. It is two steps forward, two steps back, and then sometimes a huge dip. The process of letting go is healing, yet it requires something difficult when love is involved. It is easy to be surrounded by and utterly immersed in the pain of loss. The fullness keeps the loss very present. The hard part is letting go of some of the weight and still feeling connected. I have not yet mastered that, and I don’t know if I ever want to. All I know is that in the next X amount of years, the time I need to wait until I see him again, will go by much more quickly if I can somehow find a way to get back into life. To find joy. To stay vital and to stay in love with possibilities.
Positive attitudes are underrated. Without one, I would still be in bed right now. Some days it comes easier than others, but I am determined. The hardest part in the process was ‘letting go’ of the grief so I could be fully available to those around me.